A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat down together andengaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignoredthem at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of themen become graphic."Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I comeagain. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.Then I come once-a more.""You foul-mouthed swine, " said the lady indignantly. "In this country wedon't talk about our sex lives in public!""Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa tospella Mississippi." ayan nangengealam ka ei wag ganun
a man was cornered by a lion. he prayed..."Lord, pls make dis lion achristian".d lion suddenly knelt down and prayed....LION: "bless this food that i'm a bout to receive thru Christ our LORD,amen."
alternative para di makacommit ng kasalanan... a wife caught her husband together with his kerida na naglo-lovingloving sa pamamahay nila mismo....naisip nyang patayn ang dalawa...subalit dahil sya ay isang mabutng Kristyano, di nya maatim na saksakin sila...alam nyo ba kung ano ginawa nya??? kumuha sya ng isang baldeng tubig at binuhos sa dalawa hahahaha!!! sabi pa nya" Ayan tignan ko lng kung di kayo mapasma!!"
TAGALOG CLASSTeacher: O.k. class, today we will be translating english to tagalog. Whowould like to go first?
Student 1: I will go first mam.
Teacher: I want you to translate "I have a bluebook" in tagalog.
Student 1: That's easy mam. "Meronakong Libro na asul."
Teacher: That's very good. O.k., whowould like to go next?
Student 2: Ako po mam, me, me, righthere, I want to go next.
Teacher: O.k, o.k. I want you totranslate guy, mother, father, and you, andput in a sentence.
Student 2: Yon lang pala eh, madalilang yan. "Guy" is Ma, "Mother" is mama,"Father" is Tay, "You" is Ka.
Teacher: That's good! O.k., now putit in a sentence.
Student 2: No problem! Mam,"Ma-Mama-Tay-Ka".
Almost Perfect Life An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter. The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."
Maraming Uri ng Kulangot sa Ilong:
1. HARD TO GET - ang hirap kunin, nagdudugo na ilong mo, ayaw pa.
2. EASY TO GET- isang sundot lang kuha na
3. CANNOT BE REACHED- sobrang layo hindi talaga maabot eh, cotton buds pwede pa
4. HIDE&SEEK- kuha na, tatakas pa. ayaw makisama
5. KULANG SA PANSIN- padungaw dungaw pa, gusto pang madiscover ng iba
6. PA PAMPAM- singa ka nang singa, akala mo nasa loob, nasa face mo na pala
KLASE NG MGA MANGINGINOMPASSAGE:
mahilig mag-pass ng tagay
THE HIKER: palipat-lipat ng puwesto para iwas-tagay
THE MARTYR: nagpapanggap na kaya kahit senglot na
KID SENTI: maraming naaalala kapag nakainom na
THE FUGITIVE: umuuwi nang walang paalam, naglalahong parang bula
KUNG FU: kung fumulutan, malupit; tirador ng pulutan, ginagawang piknik
THE CHOSEN ONE: official runner sa tindahan; tagabili ng yelo, yosi at alak
SPIDER-MAN: gumagapang sa daan pag umuwi dahil sa kalasingan
Ama: Anak painumin mo na yung kalabaw.
Anak: Tay ayaw uminom eh.
Ama: San mo ba pinainum?
Anak: Sa baso po.
Ama: t*nga! Lagyan mo ng istro!
Isang binata and naputulan ng parehong baraso. Pagdating sa ospita
lBinata: Doc gamutin nyo po ako naputol parehong braso ko.
Doc: Mga anong oras ka naputulan?
Binata: May 10 hrs na po.
Doc: 10? Eh bakit ngayon ka lang pumunta dito?
Binata: Halllleer?! Hirap kaya pumara ng jeep!
Miss Universe:
Host: Miss Venezuela! (May sumigaw na Pinoy sa audience... Subterranean!)
Host: Miss Colombia! (sumigaw ulit yung Pinoy sa audience... Subterranean!)
Host: Miss Zimbabwe! (silence)
Host: Miss Mexico! (sumigaw na naman yung Pinoy... Subterranean!)
Host: Miss Uganda! (silence)
Host: Miss Russia! (sumigaw na naman yung Pinoy... Subterranean!)
Host: Miss Kenya! (hindi na sumigaw yung Pinoy)
Tapos nung break kumuha ng interpreter ang host at tinanong nila yung Pinoy kung bakit sigaw siya ng sigaw ng "Subterranean!" baka naman daw Carribean, or Mediterranean ang gusto niyang sabihin.
Pinoy: Hindi ah, sabi ko sarap tirahin yan!
Curfew, hanggang 10pm lang dapat sa daan. Ang mahuhuli, babarilin.
Sundalo: (binaril ang lalaki)
Officer: 9:45 pa lang, bakit mo sya binaril?
Sundalo: Alam ko po ang bahay nya, hindi sya aabot.
A guy gave 3 roses to his girlfriend.
Girl: Oh, babe, you're so romantic, why do you gave me 3 roses?
Boy: Kasi, hindi pwede bumili ng isa lang, tatlo sampu talaga!
Lasing1: Pare, syota ko noon ang nanay mo.
Lasing2: (Tahimik)
Lasing1: Nakikinig ka ba pare? Sabi ko, syota ko noon nanay mo.
Lasing2: Tama na, itay! Lasing na kayo eh! Shot na!
Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious,he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as heran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mummy, I was at the playgroundand I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look andhe was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Janehelped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said,
'Johnny, this is such an interesting story,lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story,
'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look andhe was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddystarted doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'
Mummy fainted!Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Text messages ng mag-ina
Son - "no more allowance, send money"
Dad - "no more money, tighten your belt"
Son - "send belt"
Istoryang KURIPOT
STUDENT:magkano po rice niyo?
TINDERA: 5 pesos
STUDENT: eh yung tutong?
TINDERA: libre
STUDENT: sige tutong na lang. yung gulay magkano?
TINDERA: 15
STUDENT: eh yung sabawa?
TINDERA: libre
STUDENT: sabaw na lang po(PAGKATAPOS KUMAIN)
STUDENT: may coke kayo?
TINDERA: (cguro bibili na talaga to) P8.
STUDENT: bigyan mo nga ako ng isa (sabay bunot sa bulsa). ito oh, tansan... free coke daw
Mrs. Tanoy is a very kuripot Ilocana. When her husband died, she inquired with the newspaper, asking the price for the obituary.The ad taker said: "300 pesos for 6 words."She said: "Pwede ba 2 words na lang? "Tanoy dead" para mura." c Ad taker: "No Mom. 6 words is the minimum."After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said: "Ok, para sulit ang akingpera, ilagay mo, "TANOY DEAD, HIS TOYOTA FOR SALE."
A koala was sitting in a gum tree......smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.... .. How much water did you drink?
'Little Johnny:
Teacher asks kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
First pupil: 'Tylenol?'
Teacher: 'Very good! And what is it used for?'
Pupil: 'It is used for headaches'.
Second pupil: 'Nytol, Teacher'.
Teacher: 'Excellent. And what is it used for?'
Pupil: 'To help you sleep'.
Now it is Johnny's turn and he says:'Viagra'.
Teacher, slightly shocked:'Johnny, What do you think is it used for?'
Johnny: 'It can be used for diarrhea'.
Teacher: 'Who told you this?'
Johnny: 'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father ...Take a Viagra, maybe that little s h i t will get harder'.
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.So which is it?If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man. He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet. A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!" So the helicopter flew away. The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off. The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come" Reluctantly, the helicopter left. The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned. At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord not rescue me?" St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!"
SAYINGS TO LIVE BY:
1. birds of the same feather, are the same birds
2. do not do unto others what you can't do
3. an apple a day is not an apple at night
4. when the cat is away the mouse is alone
5. if others can do it, don't help
6. tell me who ur friends are and i'll tell u mine
7. early to bed and early to rise makes you sleepy in the afternoon
8. ang ilog na tahimik ay malalim, ang ilog na maingay...may naglalaba
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
Ako si Gregorio Magtangol,isang Mechanical Engineer sa Pilipinas.Sa hirap maghanap ng trabaho sa panahonngayon,pati pag se-salesman ng vacuumcleaner ay pinasok ko na.Minsan, pumunta ako sa isang bahay saisang barangay. Kumatok ako sa pinto...Isang malaking misis ang nagbukas saakin. Pero bago nakapagsalita ang babae,inunahan ko sya. mabilis akong pumasokpapunta sa sala nila para di namakatangi sa presentation ko.Katulad ng utos ng boss ko, binuksan koang isang plastic bag ng SM at ibinuhoslahat ng lamang ta* ng kalabaw sacarpet. this was a technique taughtto me In selling to get a massive andimmediate attention from the buyer.Sabi ko sa kanya w/ confidence: "Misis,pag di nalinis ng vacuum cleaner koNGAYON ang mga ta* sacarpet niyo, kakainin ko isa-isa yan!",ang mayabang na sinambit ko."Gusto mo ng ketsup para diyan?", tanongng babae.Sabi ko, "Bakit po?""Eh, kalilipat lang namin.wala pa kamingkuryente."
pinahaba lang ang wentuh
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if theyaren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-townprosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known yousince you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a bigdisappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about thembehind their backs.You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize younever will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed acrossthe room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he wasa youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of theworst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife withthree different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors toapproach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of youf* **king *****s asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair!!!"
